Okay, first off, I know this is absurd. Not only do I know it is absurd, people I love have explained to me that it is absurd. That’s important. If Bob said to me, How could you do this? I would be devastated. Bob is doing just the opposite. He thinks of this as something happening to us. Primarily to me, but to us. Affecting us.
Before I thought I would just get through. That was in the days when the prognosis was We'll cure you. It won't be fun, but it won’t be horrible.
Now the prognosis is We'll probably cure you. It will be difficult, but we will do our best to make you as comfortable as possible. We'll take good care of you.
I find myself thinking again and again, I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
Yesterday, Adam’s friend Jason came over. Jason is home on leave before being deployed in Iraq. I told him I had relapsed and he said it sucked and I agreed. He said, "Maureen, I don't know what to say," and I said yeah, what is there to say? I explained that it was why I hated telling people.
Suddenly it occurred to me that Jason also goes through this. I said to him, "It's like when you tell civilians that you're going to Iraq."
He understood instantly. "You've got to be honest," he said.
"Right," I said.
It was great. We talked about the ways it was the same, and the ways it was different. But it was nice to talk to someone who has the same sort of experience. Then he stayed for dinner. It was a nice night.