Cancer organizes my life. Christopher Davis had a link to counting spoons that illustrates an aspect of that (although I have a lot more energy than Christine Miserandino.) I started thinking about the way cancer organizes my life and how there are aspects of that I haven't worked through when Adam sent me a wonderful email about the blog. I emailed him back and told him jokingly that I didn't know what I was going to do in May when the cancer was gone.
Well I do know what I'm going to do, I'm doing some writing related traveling, but that's beside the point. When I finish my chemo, I'll still feel puny for awhile, but I'll have to start re-organizing my life. And while there are a lot of disadvantages to Hodgkins, there are a lot of advantages, too. My life is so important! Life and death decisions are being made ever couple of weeks! Everything has this lurid dramatic light on it! I have cancer! People are super nice to me! I get to pick the restaurants! I have control of the remote!
It gives me a little empathy for the people who develop Factitious Disorders. Factitious Disorder is a psychiatric disorder where people feign illness by drinking household cleaners, giving themselves infected abscesses, and a whole host of other ruses. Turns out there is are people who have claimed that their wife and unborn child had been killed in a car accident to get into psychiatric hospitals. People who have something called Munchausen by Internet where they join internet support groups for illnesses and problems they don't have.
I hope to give it all up as soon as possible. The nausea and the fatigue, I'll be able to give that up. But it's going to be hard to let go of the feeling that I should somehow be privileged. And that all you readers should be paying attention to whether or not I took a nap today. (The answer? Not yet, it's only 9:30 in the morning. But I'll keep you posted.)
I still want you all to keep reading. Just don't cut me any slack, okay?