Sunday, December 10, 2006

Men are From Mars...

I was invited to lunch last Thursday by a new friend. Catherine invited a bunch of women to lunch as a kind of Christmas present. So I got to meet a bunch of new people. About all we had in common was Catherine.

Bob works with three other engineers and designers. They get along really well. They're incredibly busy, but even so, they get a chance to talk seeing as they are all in the same office.

By the end of the two hours we were talking about our kids. One of the women told how her daughter came home from high school and said that a guy at school had asked her to give him a blow job and she thought this was really nice.

Bob told the guys at work about how he had found fire ant nests on the side of our house. Fire ants are nasty biting, stinging critters. Highly aggressive insects that come boiling out of the nest and up your shoes and grab onto your skin with their mouth pincers and then curl up and sting you with their abdominal stingers. All of the guys had remedies for fire ant infestations.

The woman asked her daughter why she thought it was nice. The daughter explained that the guy was thoughtful because he didn't want her to get pregnant. (The guy and the daughter are not dating.) The mother sat down and explained why a sixteen-year-old boy asking for a blow job may not be behaving altruistically, and about blow jobs and stds. And we shuddered and commiserated about this strange world we were trying to prepare our children for. By the time I left lunch I knew how many children each woman had and a significant amount about her present circumstances.

One of the guys said that what he liked to do is take a burnz-a-matic torch and fire it up and lay it sideways so that the flame is parallel to the ground, about an eighth to a quarter of an inch above the opening of the nest. The ants will come boiling out and as each one comes out it will fry and pop and get blown away by the torch. This really doesn't eliminate the problem of course, because it doesn't get the queen, but it's cool as hell.

What's so-and-so's wife's name? I asked my husband. He hadn't a clue. But the fire ant problem is eradicated.


Blogger Ben said...

"The mother sat down and explained why a sixteen-year-old boy asking for a blow job may not be behaving altruistically..."

Out of context, that's a hilarious sentence.

December 10, 2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

This is a good post. Excellent, really.

December 10, 2006 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this! Makes me wish I were a guy :-)
Laura in Berea

December 10, 2006 9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But ... how would knowing the guy's wife's name help you deal with the fire ants? I'm confused.

December 10, 2006 10:08 PM  
Blogger Maureen McHugh said...

Ben, in context it's rather a hilarious sentence. I mean, I think.

Laura, we can get you a torch.

Greg, you had had a post on your blog about your ass. Of course you'd be confused. (Although I loved the post. I just couldn't think of a comment.)

December 10, 2006 11:06 PM  
Blogger Christopher Barzak said...

This seems like such the makings of a story.

December 11, 2006 12:54 AM  
Blogger David Moles said...

Ditto Barzak. I knew Austin was going to be good for your writing...

December 11, 2006 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the combination of the two that's pretty scary.

"No, Charlie, I don't think having oral sex with the queen aunt is going to help our fire ant problem"

"Why not, honey?"

"You'd need a really tiny tongue. But you might have a shot with intercourse...."

(Mea culpa, mea maximum culpa.)

December 11, 2006 9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this was great

December 11, 2006 12:51 PM  
Blogger mary grimm said...

Hilarious and scary! Probably that mom should have had the talk somewhat earlier, demographically speaking.

December 13, 2006 9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I know is that I'll have to close this screen before my son reads about torching the ants. We only have regular ants here in Cleveland, but he'd try to figure out how to make it work. Like honey, mmmmmm


December 14, 2006 10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was in IM when I read this and I told a friend about the mother daughter story and she said a woman she works with had to have the same conservation with her daughter.


December 14, 2006 10:44 PM  

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